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I keep doing this thing where I test fate.. I'll do things like not wear a seatbelt on a bus, putting my life in the hands of strangers. It's sort of like taunting whatever may be out there, just trying to give them a reason to teach me a lesson. I just don't understand it all. I know no one does, but I just think about the fact that I don't more than I should. More than the recommended daily allowance anyway. I keep looking at myself in the mirror. Seeing myself the way other people see me scares the living shit out of me. I'm just all skin and hair, I can't even form emotions properly on my face anymore because they've been so thwarted with all the thought thats gone into each of them. I look at pictures of myself when I was young, and I see this really genuine smile, and I have no idea how to recreate it. It should be the most natural thing in the world, and the more I want it, the further away it seems to get. It's like not having the tickles. No matter who tries to tickle me, in any place, I just don't laugh. It's supposed to be instinctive but nothing ever happens. My unconscious state of mind has just transformed into this robot that generates stream after stream of pointless thoughts and observations. I see people from this place I don't understand, and they're just in this vacuum packed loop styled in a figure 8 so it just keeps going round and round, and I'm trapped in this revolving door and I see the same things over and over again, and I keep doing it, because it's life, and you can't not live, unless you don't. It all boils down to that, you are, or you're not.

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I used to have an empty outlook on an average life. Everything was invincible and safe as I was not gone and would not be until I no longer existed. I think that added to the boredom, It was never going to stop until I did.
Everything reeked of mediocrity. The people, the 9 - 5 life.
Every day i had the image of life, resembling a flat-line, green and monotonous, powering through everything. There was no skipping of heartbeats, no shuddering, shaking, shivering or yelping. No flicker of life like there were no flickers of smiles from my mouth.
Just a faint dull trace of hope, guiding my blindly like an auto-pilot through a clear blue sky. With nothing to distract me or inhibit me, just flying through the air to the time of a ticking clock.
The sunrises and sunsets were as unimpressive as the Grey mist that clouded my mind.
I felt like i would be flying on this flatline silently until i reached an unequivical end, and ammmounted to absolutely nothing. When I say used to, I meant I still do. I tried to start out on a depressing note and then unleash a wave of positivity and plenty of glasses half full, but I can't bring myself to do it.